I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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