so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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