whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
