what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I smell like Dick and happiness
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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