I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
