Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize