my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
