I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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