Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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