dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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