Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
