i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
