Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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