I don't usually arrange sex via text message
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Randomize
