I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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