if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize