If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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