he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
