he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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