You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
