i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize