i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
