Tell her she can't have a vagina
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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