It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
