Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
