remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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