dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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