Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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