i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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