I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm getting married
To pizza
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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