Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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