actually, I'm a sock model
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
