Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
