i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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