My nipple is on Facebook.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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