I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize