Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
