I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
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