i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
