There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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