it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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