his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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