I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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