I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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