I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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