You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
