I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
