God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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