he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
