so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I think I sprained my soul last night
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
