There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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