You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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