I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
