I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
